Starting Over (Fiction)

He sat at the table in the loud, active restaurant and waited. No one looked his way, no one noticed. He'd gotten good at being invisible when he wanted to be, and tonight he wanted to be. He didn't want their company; their questions. Not even their thank you's, right now. That seemed to be the new thing to do. "Thank you for what you've done for our country". He appreciated it, but on another level, he was never going to ever feel the same or see life in the same way. They could say their thank you's and go back to their existence the same. That statement struck him as a way for the person who said it, to feel better about the war. Better about themselves. They did their good thing. He knew that that was a skewed way to see a thank you, but his stomach never dealt well with it. He just smiled a small, quick grin and nodded when he heard that. At least he had that much self control at this point.

He tried to think amid all the noises and pictures that constantly played through his mind now. Sometimes they were quieter than others, sometimes he could just about escape them altogether, but that took a huge amount of alcohol. Huge. And he didn't want to be drunk when he saw her again. Not her. She was his one last hope amid a year that held little hope.
He'd been gone for over a year now. He'd left a strong, healthy and happy man in his mid twenties. He'd played practical jokes on his buds, drove fast and loved this woman enough to marry her LONG before he was asked to serve. They'd cried together knowing that just his desire to serve...would cost a great deal in these times. But he wanted to honor those who'd gone before. 911 had stirred something deep in his heart that wouldn't allow him to not act in some way. And frankly, college wasn't going to happen otherwise. His family needed all their resources just to survive day to day, much less put their children through college too. He knew that. College did seem a little frivolous now. After all he'd seen.

He was only 26, but felt 50. His body had been through more in a year, than some would in their lifetimes. Getting up in the morning hurt. There were headaches on top of the noises in his head. The shrapnel in places...the loss of hearing from narrowly missing being blown to bits by mines or bombs. He hated that the lighthearted love of life he'd had before was so very different now. He'd gotten together with his friends a couple of times; but it hadn't been the same. They saw him differently and it highlighted how different he felt. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't see and he could forget. But it was awkward. And no one knew what to say.
Now her. In the beginning, he'd tried to keep in better touch. But it made his heart ache so much to hear her voice, her fear for him, over the phone. Her letters seemed of a life more and more alien. She'd be talking about life and shopping, working and friends. He didn't know what to say to that. He'd tried to share a little of his life there..but it was more than she could handle. More than he could honestly lay on her. And now they were seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Maybe it'd been too long.

Just as the sound of gunfire, screams of men dying and civillians wailing over their lost clouded his mind again...he saw her. Through the fog of his mind, he saw her radiantly walking towards him. It took his breath away, but also made his heart shrink in his chest. Fear, doubt and hopelessness threatened to overtake him. Oh my God, she was beautiful.
As his vision cleared he saw none of the things he was afraid would be there. He saw the fear. He saw the concern. He saw her strength and...was that something else? She walked over, sat down and smiled. She touched his hand. No pity. Admiration. Overflowing love. And the desire to bridge that chiasm between them. She wanted him still. His angel understood and wanted him still.