Well if it helps, imagine an intimate dinner party, fire going in the fireplace, wine, food and life discussions all around. There is always light laughter and general enjoyment of everyone's company, hilarious and funny stories, and then there is always someone who starts a topic that takes the conversation to a different and deeper level. I just read "Just Kate"s blog "Beauty from Ashes" http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=367628121&blogID=452743906&indicate=1.
It touched me in a way I didn't expect. It was the start of that deeper conversation at the dinner party.
So, I thought about my life and some of my choices. I wasn't as strong as Kate. I thought of those things that as a person you decide to take, in exchange for what you perceive as love. I tend to fall and have fallen into this state a lot, I think, because I am open to new things, new experiences, new thoughts. I love exploring life, learning about people and am passionate about life in general and my involvement in it. And I can lose myself in it. Forget my value, or my convictions on life and love.
On the flip side, I am fearful also, of all of these things, and occasionally hole up in my cave, like even the best men do, to sort through my life, wounds, and where I've been lately. This weekend has been that type of weekend of sorts, but not entirely. I did go out and see a movie and have a great dinner with a wonderful new friend from here, Richardttu (yes, you) and that was a wonderful diversion from taking myself too seriously. It was great fun and now I've seen the infamous Razoos "Cheers"-like hangout of his, and feel like I've been allowed to see into the fringes of a long term set of friendships. It was neat to feel the energy and curiosity of his friends, and also the energy of their love for him. Thanks Richard!
I also spent some quality time with another friend about whom I've talked here and there to the good and bad...yes, my friend Lee (don't cringe Stephanie). We always have interesting discussions about life, and like it or not, I value the friends we are and the stark differences we have. He keeps my thinking on my toes and challenges the way I see life from time to time. Never a bad thing in my book. Even if he did wear that horrible MILF shirt once..
And then there was even a little bit of Myspace drama. And that spawned the whole trust blog..although, it did not really deal with the actual drama that occurred. That part is truly unimportant. It's really more about the fallout and thoughts that have come up since.
I absolutely believe that there is love. The real thing. Not the Valentimes day marketing version, or the movie, fall-in-love-in-thirty-minutes version either. The real thing. Unmistakeable. Tangeable. Worth it.
It's that place filled with the action of taking care of each other, trusting and working at something you both find precious and miraculous. The place where passion is natural and intimate, where there is effort at real communication and considering the other before yourself. There is the whole unselfish part of it, that makes it deep and unforgetful. There is an uncompromising part to real love. The one that will not allow certain things in to damage it; that recognizes areas of weakness and doesn't entertain them. There is a fierce protection that comes from a deep respect and mutual admiration for each other. Not jealousy. That comes from a selfish need to feed your own ego...insecurity. There is the trust that allows us to be who we are, warts and all and still be valued. Still seen as the gift to each other we never expected to have in this lifetime.
There is that knowledge that even during rough times, you know this person and their level of committment to you. It inspires you to try harder, to be more than you are alone.
There are paler versions of this out there. Illusions of what appears to be love, but once you try it out or on for size, you discover it was nothing but a cheap imitation of the real thing. Or, smoke and mirrors. It seemed to be there and now, it's gone.
But if you really look closely, knowing what love really is; what it looks like, smells like and tastes like, the imposters become easier to spot. And as you become better at spotting them, you're less likely to buy in to what they are selling.
This is true of not only the love between a man and woman, but also the love between friends. I misjudge sometimes, as do we all, for a variety of reasons and human failings. However, for each instance of misguided trust, comes a clearer glimpse at what the real looks like. It becomes a better look at the finished piece and a realization of where I was wrong. Then there is growth and hope, along with the pain.
Each instance of pain becomes less, not because it doesn't hurt, but because it has it's place in life's tapestry of colour. Having that place and knowing its place, makes it just another part of life and less about what's wrong with me.
I realized that once again, I've almost accepted another imposter. An illusion of closeness, but ..under closer inspection, it was one-sided. The appearance of love, but isn't because it only involves the outer trappings, without any of the meat of the real thing. There is time spent together, sharing, and even discussing the future in such ways that don't match up with the emotional depth, or lack thereof.
Sex without the depth of time, committment and love, is just sex. Animals do that. Anyone can, frankly. You can dress it up however you like it, but knowing there is not a hope for a future, and yet acting as if there is a relationship, calling it love or even 'falling in love...is delusional. And it isn't fair for anyone involved. It is a taking from each other, things that haven't been earned and aren't deserved. It's having the perks, without the committment. I realized, I don't want that.
This is a common view of love today. The supposed freedom to live single and sexually uninhibited. Have as many lovers as you like, it'll make you more able to commit later. I don't believe that and I don't really see that as freedom. Giving myself away to people just because it feels good, cheapens a part of me that I value very much. And I don't want to share that part of myself with just anybody. I love sex as much as the next person, but I'd rather do without than waste my time with something shallow and pale. Something without depth. I'd rather hold out for more. Demand more.
I almost forgot my value. I urge you to not forget yours
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