Divorce has BEEN over, now what??

Divorce is never a fun thing. It can be the right thing, it can even be an amicable thing. But it is never easy and there is always fallout in some way, form or fashion. Everyone's different and we're all the same too. It's just a fact that there are a lot of us divorcee's out there, and it's becoming more and more common all the time.

So, of course you make the obligatory mistakes when it's been a while since you've dated. You become over- eager, are sexually charged, date a lot, miss all the grossly obvious red-flags that tell you NOT to go out with him or her...you name it, it's done. You think you're ready for things, and you discover afterwards that you're not. As a woman, you can often put yourself in compromising or even dangerous positions without even realizing until it is too late.

All that aside, we learn that there is much that happens that's overwhelming, frantic, hurtful, weird, lonely, angry and of course sexual, in that first year. NOT a good time to take anything seriously, other than moving forward and giving yourself time to heal. I've yet to meet anyone that does that though. It's all about proving you've still got it at first. *Sigh*. Greenhorns all.

AFTER that first year though, the stories are as varied as the people telling them. Almost everyone slows down and begins to take their time in the dating arena, but there are others who need TWO years to reach this point, or even THREE.

So, is there actually a magic number?

I'm not sure. I know that even after that first year, I was driving through our old neighborhood, curious to see our old house. Gosh, I loved that house! It had new owners and it wasn't really being taken care of. And out of the blue that whole "failure" feeling overcame me. A year later! I'm crying as I drive away from a place that wasn't even a HAPPY home, but it had been MY home...and now it wasn't.

Things just hit you, it seems, no matter how much time has passed.

The other day (and it's been two years now), I was in the grocery. It's a place I almost AVOID now. I used to LOVE to go there. I would get food for the next two weeks, plan meals, be excited over special treat finds, etc. NOW, there's me and my son, certainly. But the buck stops with ME. If I buy out the store (spending $300 or so) like a used to, there is only ME to get it all home; load the car, and unload the car at home, and then put it all away. UGH.

It is nice having someone to make things for. It is nice having someone to bring special treats home to. And yes, I bring them home for my son. However, it really is a little different.

And though in my marriage I didn't have this, in a recent relationship I very much did: that EASE of communication. They know you, understand you and vice versa. You don't have to explain. THAT is something that to me, is GOLDEN.

I'm a woman with a good job and a good home. I'm a good Mom and a strong person, in general. I have been on my own more of my life than not, so it's not an "uncomfortable in your own skin" thing. It's more that while I LIKE my own skin, it'd be nice to every now and then, not ALWAYS have to be the only boss; to have that friend that you miss during the day and can't wait to get home to at night; to have that partner to bounce things off of and rely on here and there. Not to mention that person in your bed that ISN'T phobic about being there, that isn't trying to use you, and that isn't just a one night stand.

It's that sudden tinge of lonely that hits you unexpectedly in a room crowded with your friend's voices and your children's play. It's interesting, because for me for instance...it's not really been a focus for quite some time now. I got tired of the personal dating sites, and the mass dating rituals. That was within the first 6 months or so. I outgrew the need to prove that I'm desirable still.

I do still beat myself up every now and then about my imperfections as a parent, and I do occasionally still feel the emotion of failure when stop to breathe for a minute.

So, while I'm fine alone for now and am truly in no hurry to rush into anything remotely serious at this moment...I am not exactly sure what to think of these fleeting moments of painful memories and intrinsic longings.

Is three years the magic number for healing after divorce? Four?

Living Life and Moving On

It'd now been almost a full year since the divorce, and more than that since the separation. She could still vividly remember finding that half-filled whiskey bottle in his tool closet in the garage. It was the day she realized her danger. She'd blown it off before then, as angry outbursts, meanness even. But she'd been so unwilling to look harder and closer. She remembered the near death road rages with her and her young son in the car, the sledge hammered cell phone that had a recording of the spittle-filled verbal onslaught to her face she'd just undergone earlier that evening. It made her stiffen to remember those times. But they were over now. She sighed and relaxed her shoulders.

Those first few forays into the whole dating arena had been quite the learning experience. She'd been out of it for so long; how did people DO this thing?? The hardest part was weeding through the lies. Not that there were many of those, but there were certainly a few. And gaining intimate knowledge of Ruffies and date rape were not things she expected. Vague memories of locations and the flash of a camera made her shiver. Who knew what was out there of her? It made her take her time and life far more seriously...and she became much more careful and hesitant to let someone in right away. But time lessoned even those scars.

Lots of occurrances. Lots of experiences and lots of lessons learned. She'd emerged not too broken and shattered. Although the recent loss of a very dear and important friend had knocked a bit of her breath from her, it'd been worth it. Damn the cancer anyway! Cancer is a horrible thief that steals much from many, but this time it was stealing away something personal and precious to her. Her friend; amazing and strong though he was...was finally losing the battle. And she couldnt' talk and banter his way through it anymore. He was out of reach. But still..she'd remember their time together as some of the best she'd had with any friend.

Recently though, she'd begun to feel a bit more sure of herself. That feeling that she was worthless and ugly, had been left behind like old rags discarded in the trash. New life, new friends and new experiences had taught her much, and she was really beginning to enjoy meeting people and exploring the possibilities.

She'd also rediscovered how absolutely sexual she was. She wasn't entirely at ease internally with herself over it...still had remnants of church teachings and that persistent empty feeling that can come from making a poor choice here and there. But overall, she was comfortable with who she was and where her life was going. It was fun to relax and be herself and finally live and taste much that life had to offer. And the tastes were both varied and exciting.

And then she met him. He was tanned and strong, with blue eyes that seemed gentle yet persistent. His photos could look like an empty-headed gym jock, and she giggled remembering thinking that when he first said hello. She almost didnt' reply to his queries. But there was something about his eyes...and the way his words to her, seemed very honest and simple. He was exploring also. Broken a bit by a hurtful marriage, but determined to see what life post divorce had to offer. He seemed to be in a similar place of self-discovery as was she. Looking, asking questions...feeling his way around. She built up confidence and trust enough to allow him to call.

They talked for hours. Learning about each other, questioning, answering and discussing life in general on many levels. Her lower registered soft voice with a slight drawl, to his pure Chicago bad boy voice, were quite the contrast. And their words danced their dance until it became a daily event that both looked forward to with anticipation.

And there was an attraction...oh yes. The more she saw him through his words, the less she was even aware of the jock image..and he began to see her as the rare find in a woman that she was. She began to be playful and coy and he was having none of it. He drew her out. Made her take chances by the questions he asked and the flirtations he showered her with. It was very artful, the way he spoke. Art without pure intent, although that was there too..but mostly, because he wanted to know everything about her. He was deciding in his mind whether to pursue this or not.

He made his decision and began the long drive across the US to visit her. They talked as he drove. She planned what they would do and both began to get excited over the possibilities. The attraction continued to grow. There were a few playfully, naughty moments along the way...his voice wooing her into a frenzy of foreplay, as she bantered right back and did the same for him. It was exhilerating and fun and wow! She felt so sexy and alive.

At the same time, she began to battle those insecurities she'd been left with after her marriage deteriorated. Feelings she was boring, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, began to press at her. She pushed those aside over and over, finally banishing them on a shopping trip with her neighbor as she chose the outfit for their first meeting. It was fun; she had a blast at the store with her neighbor and her girls and all left the store feeling girly, playful and fun.

They met and there was electricity from the beginning, but he was careful not to allow it to get out of hand on his end. He knew she'd been through some things and was mindful of that. Plus, he'd had his own experiences which meant that he would only allow himself so much physical leeway. They smiled, hugged and went to his room for a small visit before heading out. There was at that time, only one introductory kiss which was soft and seductive with lips barely coming together and tongues lightly exploring hello. She felt herself being drawn in but he stopped things in deference to their newness with each other, and they left for dinner.

The restaurant was elegant and casual, with a south american feel and torches burning over the patio and was on a lake with the sun glinting off waves as they walked up. The food was flavorful and their conversation still came with all the ease it had from the beginning. Back and forth they weaved their live's tales for each other; his of his hurts from his marriage and subsequent healing and her some of the same. They had the comfort as if they'd known each other a while, and the sexual tension of two people who've just met but are strongly attracted to each other. She kept thinking of their kiss and wanted to feel his lips again..and he was lost in whatever story he was telling her. Silly man. She smiled and chuckled to herself. She wanted to distract him a little. She couldn't exactly explain why. But she did. She wanted to be HIS distraction.

So they picked a movie, which didn't start for a bit, and she showed him around her area. They drove along the neighborhoods on the lake's coastal line and still talked easily. They made it back to the theater and got their giant popcorn and sodas and found a perfect seat for two, with no one else on either side. They settled in with her glancing every so often at him in the dark and he doing the same. They were close now, she holding his arm; he was surprised she'd asked. Their hands playfully exploring each other. He glanced over once and couldn't look away. She happened to catch his look, and realized it was lower than her face.

She wore a black vest with a white, button-up blouse which was left open more than one or two buttons. Underneath, she wore this red and black bra that was a favorite of hers and as she followed his eyes, she realized that particular article of clothing was exposed and along with it, the white curve of the top of her breast. She gasped a bit and closed it..at first. But it happened again..and then she decided oh what the hell!! Let him look! She allowed herself to steal a kiss or two then, as quid pro quo for the look HE got! It was soft again, not pushing, not pressing, but still exploring and still controlled. It was intoxicating to her. She wanted more.

So after the movie, they decided to pick up some snacks and drinks and went back to where he was staying. It was a place on the lake, but without a view of it from where he was. Still, you could hear it and the wind stirring up the waves in the distance. It was a calming and exhilarating sound all at once.

They sat and talked; he kept a careful distance for a long time. Finally, he came over by her, still talking, but there was something in his look. She felt it too..but because he was being so careful, she decided to be less so and kissed him again. This time, there wasn't the control at the same level as it'd been...he wanted to let go, but didn't want to hurt her. He wanted her, and kissing like this was not making it easier.

He asked if she was sure, and she said, "Of course you should continue kissing me." Smiling and chuckling and deliberately ignoring his real question. She deepened the kiss and he allowed it. Then caught another glimpse of the breast he'd seen before and he decided to take over.

He began seeking and exploring the openness of her shirt with more directness. Sliding fingers over and around..finding tips and crevices and spending equal time with both. She arched her back to his touch and moaned through the kisses and began to tremble because it'd been so long. And for a time, his mouth left hers and went to her blouse, finding the trails his hands had left behind. She was quickly becoming lost in the scent and sensations of him..and he climbed on top of her. There was nothing forceful or confining in anything that he did. It was deliberate, but natural--his movements with her. And she moved against him too, her passion growing, but now she was trying harder to hold back. He sensed this and moved off of her. But the coldness and emptiness he left behind was more than she wanted to deal with.

She moved over to him and got on top of him. She kissed him harder and pressed fully against his bare chest and began to move in rythym over him. Her jeans were getting warmer, and her breathing came faster. He reached for her then, to a more private area. His teasings and strokes were felt even through the thick material of her jeans. She exhaled and rolled off of him. Oh GOD, did she really want to do this? But if he continued to touch her like that..well, she wouldn't be able to stop herself.

He was patient as she fought this war with herself, but knew what decision he was hoping for. She was something. So soft and strong, desirable and a bit wild too. He wanted to taste that; to bring that out in her. He wanted to explore her fully with his own body, but it was ultimately up to her. And she succumbed then.

She tasted him and teased him and he played with her and explored her body. They came together in many different ways, with different forces and with different intents. They fit well together and the intensity and power of their attraction caught them both off guard. It was an evening filled with pleasant surprises. Afterwards as he slept, she thought about this whole dating thing. Maybe she'd get the hang of it after all. She smiled to herself and was happy.