Divorce has BEEN over, now what??

Divorce is never a fun thing. It can be the right thing, it can even be an amicable thing. But it is never easy and there is always fallout in some way, form or fashion. Everyone's different and we're all the same too. It's just a fact that there are a lot of us divorcee's out there, and it's becoming more and more common all the time.

So, of course you make the obligatory mistakes when it's been a while since you've dated. You become over- eager, are sexually charged, date a lot, miss all the grossly obvious red-flags that tell you NOT to go out with him or her...you name it, it's done. You think you're ready for things, and you discover afterwards that you're not. As a woman, you can often put yourself in compromising or even dangerous positions without even realizing until it is too late.

All that aside, we learn that there is much that happens that's overwhelming, frantic, hurtful, weird, lonely, angry and of course sexual, in that first year. NOT a good time to take anything seriously, other than moving forward and giving yourself time to heal. I've yet to meet anyone that does that though. It's all about proving you've still got it at first. *Sigh*. Greenhorns all.

AFTER that first year though, the stories are as varied as the people telling them. Almost everyone slows down and begins to take their time in the dating arena, but there are others who need TWO years to reach this point, or even THREE.

So, is there actually a magic number?

I'm not sure. I know that even after that first year, I was driving through our old neighborhood, curious to see our old house. Gosh, I loved that house! It had new owners and it wasn't really being taken care of. And out of the blue that whole "failure" feeling overcame me. A year later! I'm crying as I drive away from a place that wasn't even a HAPPY home, but it had been MY home...and now it wasn't.

Things just hit you, it seems, no matter how much time has passed.

The other day (and it's been two years now), I was in the grocery. It's a place I almost AVOID now. I used to LOVE to go there. I would get food for the next two weeks, plan meals, be excited over special treat finds, etc. NOW, there's me and my son, certainly. But the buck stops with ME. If I buy out the store (spending $300 or so) like a used to, there is only ME to get it all home; load the car, and unload the car at home, and then put it all away. UGH.

It is nice having someone to make things for. It is nice having someone to bring special treats home to. And yes, I bring them home for my son. However, it really is a little different.

And though in my marriage I didn't have this, in a recent relationship I very much did: that EASE of communication. They know you, understand you and vice versa. You don't have to explain. THAT is something that to me, is GOLDEN.

I'm a woman with a good job and a good home. I'm a good Mom and a strong person, in general. I have been on my own more of my life than not, so it's not an "uncomfortable in your own skin" thing. It's more that while I LIKE my own skin, it'd be nice to every now and then, not ALWAYS have to be the only boss; to have that friend that you miss during the day and can't wait to get home to at night; to have that partner to bounce things off of and rely on here and there. Not to mention that person in your bed that ISN'T phobic about being there, that isn't trying to use you, and that isn't just a one night stand.

It's that sudden tinge of lonely that hits you unexpectedly in a room crowded with your friend's voices and your children's play. It's interesting, because for me for instance...it's not really been a focus for quite some time now. I got tired of the personal dating sites, and the mass dating rituals. That was within the first 6 months or so. I outgrew the need to prove that I'm desirable still.

I do still beat myself up every now and then about my imperfections as a parent, and I do occasionally still feel the emotion of failure when stop to breathe for a minute.

So, while I'm fine alone for now and am truly in no hurry to rush into anything remotely serious at this moment...I am not exactly sure what to think of these fleeting moments of painful memories and intrinsic longings.

Is three years the magic number for healing after divorce? Four?