The GBE is a group of bloggers who write on an agreed upon topic each week. This week it is “Alone”. Here is mine. It’s another part of my story…even if you are not particularly religious, I hope you enjoy it. It really happened. I’ll never forget it.
The young woman arrived in a new place so different from where she grew up. There were trees, there was snow sometimes. It looked like a beautiful Christmas card as she drove up to HER new place. Wow. She was here. She’d wanted to be here, ever since she was a small girl living in the Texas heat. She’d visited Asheville and fell in love with the Blue Ridge Mountains; the granite and sparkling mica rocks, the crisp air and the fall leaves, the smell of the early fall morning fog. It felt like home, as no other place had.
She’d been on her own for some time. She wasn’t particularly happy with where her life and her choices had taken her so far. She felt like she was living in a walking shell of anger. Always waiting to explode. So alone in her thoughts. She would only share versions of herself. Never the real thing, because that was just too ugly. She carried the scars of bitterness and self deprecation wherever she went. Anyone who tried to use her, was justified. Because she knew that there was inherently something wrong with her. There must be for those things to keep happening to her. But also because men thought it was okay to ask her for things. Things only prostitutes do. It was the only thing she felt she could do well. Sex. And she would. Do them.
Then, at work, someone noticed something inside her she never saw. Value. This person took the time to introduce her to another girl at work that lived near her. When they met she felt all her scars, and shrunk back inside at the obvious happiness and bright joy this new friend exuded. It was fascinating and horrifying all at the same time. It highlighted to the young woman, how different she was. She showed her the “strong, successful” persona. Pretended to be bright and happy herself.
Later that day, she went to her new home. A little furniture, quiet. Her answering machine empty. She settled in for an evening alone and when a couple of people did call…she shrank back from answering them. She never understood exactly why. This was her cave right now, and she wanted to be alone. Sometimes it was exhausting to be outgoing. She wanted to be alone every bit as much as she wanted to answer that phone and feel the contact. She wanted that. But she felt so faulty. Sometimes, it paralyzed her.
She’d always answered if it were one of the men though. Always. They always wanted something sexual from her, and she always provided. Sex had become something she just did without thinking; without feeling. She’d become hardened to it. It made her feel powerful and needed. Afterwards, she felt empty and worthless. She never acknowledged the after. It was her life. She’d come here reaching for a new life, but her old one followed her here. And she felt helpless to change that. She was this way and this was all she’d ever be. Happiness was something so foreign to her..even in the best relationships, she’d always felt like a part of her heart was broken. Only able to feel to a certain point. Never able to fully warm up. Never able to see past her scars to them. Her viewpoint was rarely hopeful and she firmly believed that anything that seemed good would not last. And it didn’t. Of course she was partly responsible for that. And the negative voices that plagued her would use that against her too.
But she allowed this new friend in. She found herself agreeing to things that made her cringe inside. Agreed to go to church with her. She hated churches. Hated the fake people, the polyester and slicked back hair. The judgmental ladies that saw through her façade and into her wounds and made her more acutely aware of them. She’d already been to some others. The first, like the ones at home…but there were portraits of black cardinals on the walls. She’d never seen that. Cool. She was told that perhaps she would be more comfortable at a church in Chapel Hill. This one was primarily African American, but perhaps they could be multiracial. With ONE? She left there astonished that such things existed. She’d seen the movies and read stories. She’d even seen picket lines at one job interview she’d gone on and worried whether or not she’d be hired because of her race. But this was church. Defeat.
She went to another one and not even the different coworker that invited her, said hello. She went in and out. Watched the people talking to each other. Watched the friendships around her and was envious. Hated that time in the service where you had to greet your neighbor. What if no one reached back? She wanted to just sit there and disappear. They did reach out -- sort of. There was a brief, limp contact of hands, with no eye contact and mumbling something about peace. No one would look at her. In this crowd of people, she felt invisible. It was comfortable and uncomfortable all at once. Thank goodness that moment in the service was over. She left without coming in contact with anyone. Not even her coworker.
Then she went to the church the bright, joyful girl invited her to. She arrived with trepidation. No stained glass. Was this really a church? There was that girl coming in from the parking lot. It wasn’t actually her, but it was too late to back down at this point. This girl had that same open, bright look. This one smiled, said hello and walked her in. Then, rather than uncomfortably looking around to see who she could leave her with, she sat with the woman. Introduced her to others. She treated her as if she were a weary traveler who had just come in from the desert needing nourishment and water. It made the woman feel strange. It was surreal. Who WERE these people? There seemed to be happiness all around. How alien. There were different people everywhere. The music wasn’t formal and proper like she’d known growing up. Some of it was African. Some was from the radio, and some was evidently written by the man leading the music. She realized again how different she was. She felt like an alien again. But this time, it wasn’t because anyone couldn’t look at her. It wasn’t because women sized her up as competition or not. It wasn’t because lustful husbands wondered what she’d be like in bed or couldn’t stop looking at her chest, even around their wives. It was because of their joy. She wanted that. But didn’t believe she could have it.
She’d seen churches before. Full of people who were one way on Sunday, and different throughout the week. She waited. She watched them like a hawk. She went to things. Then she would stop because it was overwhelming. But it was also a test. Would the happy people disappear? She kept searching for the chink in their armor. To see the hypocrisy surface. It was a year and a half later before she trusted anyone there. It was a year and a half hearing about God before she had enough hope to begin to reveal who she was..really.
And here she was on the snow, crying and curled up like a fetus. Spewing that ugly black hatred for men she’d been carrying around. It was here on the snow, that all her hatred for her father, the scars left from the abortion, the sex with strangers, the horrible things she’d heard about herself and thought about herself, came out. All that separated her from everyone else. And no one shied away. They listened, even though she was fierce when she was angry. She was taller than these women, yet they were unafraid. They were outside with her and they were cold. Yet they faced her demons with her. The listened without judgment. Some even had knowing looks. Looks that showed empathy. No disgust. No anger. Her hope grew. She got up with her shattered, broken heart and went inside with these women. For the first time ever, in all her 25 years, she didn’t feel alone anymore.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Who am I really? What will I take from you?
Well if it helps, imagine an intimate dinner party, fire going in the fireplace, wine, food and life discussions all around. There is always light laughter and general enjoyment of everyone's company, hilarious and funny stories, and then there is always someone who starts a topic that takes the conversation to a different and deeper level. I just read "Just Kate"s blog "Beauty from Ashes" http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=367628121&blogID=452743906&indicate=1.
It touched me in a way I didn't expect. It was the start of that deeper conversation at the dinner party.
So, I thought about my life and some of my choices. I wasn't as strong as Kate. I thought of those things that as a person you decide to take, in exchange for what you perceive as love. I tend to fall and have fallen into this state a lot, I think, because I am open to new things, new experiences, new thoughts. I love exploring life, learning about people and am passionate about life in general and my involvement in it. And I can lose myself in it. Forget my value, or my convictions on life and love.
On the flip side, I am fearful also, of all of these things, and occasionally hole up in my cave, like even the best men do, to sort through my life, wounds, and where I've been lately. This weekend has been that type of weekend of sorts, but not entirely. I did go out and see a movie and have a great dinner with a wonderful new friend from here, Richardttu (yes, you) and that was a wonderful diversion from taking myself too seriously. It was great fun and now I've seen the infamous Razoos "Cheers"-like hangout of his, and feel like I've been allowed to see into the fringes of a long term set of friendships. It was neat to feel the energy and curiosity of his friends, and also the energy of their love for him. Thanks Richard!
I also spent some quality time with another friend about whom I've talked here and there to the good and bad...yes, my friend Lee (don't cringe Stephanie). We always have interesting discussions about life, and like it or not, I value the friends we are and the stark differences we have. He keeps my thinking on my toes and challenges the way I see life from time to time. Never a bad thing in my book. Even if he did wear that horrible MILF shirt once..
And then there was even a little bit of Myspace drama. And that spawned the whole trust blog..although, it did not really deal with the actual drama that occurred. That part is truly unimportant. It's really more about the fallout and thoughts that have come up since.
I absolutely believe that there is love. The real thing. Not the Valentimes day marketing version, or the movie, fall-in-love-in-thirty-minutes version either. The real thing. Unmistakeable. Tangeable. Worth it.
It's that place filled with the action of taking care of each other, trusting and working at something you both find precious and miraculous. The place where passion is natural and intimate, where there is effort at real communication and considering the other before yourself. There is the whole unselfish part of it, that makes it deep and unforgetful. There is an uncompromising part to real love. The one that will not allow certain things in to damage it; that recognizes areas of weakness and doesn't entertain them. There is a fierce protection that comes from a deep respect and mutual admiration for each other. Not jealousy. That comes from a selfish need to feed your own ego...insecurity. There is the trust that allows us to be who we are, warts and all and still be valued. Still seen as the gift to each other we never expected to have in this lifetime.
There is that knowledge that even during rough times, you know this person and their level of committment to you. It inspires you to try harder, to be more than you are alone.
There are paler versions of this out there. Illusions of what appears to be love, but once you try it out or on for size, you discover it was nothing but a cheap imitation of the real thing. Or, smoke and mirrors. It seemed to be there and now, it's gone.
But if you really look closely, knowing what love really is; what it looks like, smells like and tastes like, the imposters become easier to spot. And as you become better at spotting them, you're less likely to buy in to what they are selling.
This is true of not only the love between a man and woman, but also the love between friends. I misjudge sometimes, as do we all, for a variety of reasons and human failings. However, for each instance of misguided trust, comes a clearer glimpse at what the real looks like. It becomes a better look at the finished piece and a realization of where I was wrong. Then there is growth and hope, along with the pain.
Each instance of pain becomes less, not because it doesn't hurt, but because it has it's place in life's tapestry of colour. Having that place and knowing its place, makes it just another part of life and less about what's wrong with me.
I realized that once again, I've almost accepted another imposter. An illusion of closeness, but ..under closer inspection, it was one-sided. The appearance of love, but isn't because it only involves the outer trappings, without any of the meat of the real thing. There is time spent together, sharing, and even discussing the future in such ways that don't match up with the emotional depth, or lack thereof.
Sex without the depth of time, committment and love, is just sex. Animals do that. Anyone can, frankly. You can dress it up however you like it, but knowing there is not a hope for a future, and yet acting as if there is a relationship, calling it love or even 'falling in love...is delusional. And it isn't fair for anyone involved. It is a taking from each other, things that haven't been earned and aren't deserved. It's having the perks, without the committment. I realized, I don't want that.
This is a common view of love today. The supposed freedom to live single and sexually uninhibited. Have as many lovers as you like, it'll make you more able to commit later. I don't believe that and I don't really see that as freedom. Giving myself away to people just because it feels good, cheapens a part of me that I value very much. And I don't want to share that part of myself with just anybody. I love sex as much as the next person, but I'd rather do without than waste my time with something shallow and pale. Something without depth. I'd rather hold out for more. Demand more.
I almost forgot my value. I urge you to not forget yours
It touched me in a way I didn't expect. It was the start of that deeper conversation at the dinner party.
So, I thought about my life and some of my choices. I wasn't as strong as Kate. I thought of those things that as a person you decide to take, in exchange for what you perceive as love. I tend to fall and have fallen into this state a lot, I think, because I am open to new things, new experiences, new thoughts. I love exploring life, learning about people and am passionate about life in general and my involvement in it. And I can lose myself in it. Forget my value, or my convictions on life and love.
On the flip side, I am fearful also, of all of these things, and occasionally hole up in my cave, like even the best men do, to sort through my life, wounds, and where I've been lately. This weekend has been that type of weekend of sorts, but not entirely. I did go out and see a movie and have a great dinner with a wonderful new friend from here, Richardttu (yes, you) and that was a wonderful diversion from taking myself too seriously. It was great fun and now I've seen the infamous Razoos "Cheers"-like hangout of his, and feel like I've been allowed to see into the fringes of a long term set of friendships. It was neat to feel the energy and curiosity of his friends, and also the energy of their love for him. Thanks Richard!
I also spent some quality time with another friend about whom I've talked here and there to the good and bad...yes, my friend Lee (don't cringe Stephanie). We always have interesting discussions about life, and like it or not, I value the friends we are and the stark differences we have. He keeps my thinking on my toes and challenges the way I see life from time to time. Never a bad thing in my book. Even if he did wear that horrible MILF shirt once..
And then there was even a little bit of Myspace drama. And that spawned the whole trust blog..although, it did not really deal with the actual drama that occurred. That part is truly unimportant. It's really more about the fallout and thoughts that have come up since.
I absolutely believe that there is love. The real thing. Not the Valentimes day marketing version, or the movie, fall-in-love-in-thirty-minutes version either. The real thing. Unmistakeable. Tangeable. Worth it.
It's that place filled with the action of taking care of each other, trusting and working at something you both find precious and miraculous. The place where passion is natural and intimate, where there is effort at real communication and considering the other before yourself. There is the whole unselfish part of it, that makes it deep and unforgetful. There is an uncompromising part to real love. The one that will not allow certain things in to damage it; that recognizes areas of weakness and doesn't entertain them. There is a fierce protection that comes from a deep respect and mutual admiration for each other. Not jealousy. That comes from a selfish need to feed your own ego...insecurity. There is the trust that allows us to be who we are, warts and all and still be valued. Still seen as the gift to each other we never expected to have in this lifetime.
There is that knowledge that even during rough times, you know this person and their level of committment to you. It inspires you to try harder, to be more than you are alone.
There are paler versions of this out there. Illusions of what appears to be love, but once you try it out or on for size, you discover it was nothing but a cheap imitation of the real thing. Or, smoke and mirrors. It seemed to be there and now, it's gone.
But if you really look closely, knowing what love really is; what it looks like, smells like and tastes like, the imposters become easier to spot. And as you become better at spotting them, you're less likely to buy in to what they are selling.
This is true of not only the love between a man and woman, but also the love between friends. I misjudge sometimes, as do we all, for a variety of reasons and human failings. However, for each instance of misguided trust, comes a clearer glimpse at what the real looks like. It becomes a better look at the finished piece and a realization of where I was wrong. Then there is growth and hope, along with the pain.
Each instance of pain becomes less, not because it doesn't hurt, but because it has it's place in life's tapestry of colour. Having that place and knowing its place, makes it just another part of life and less about what's wrong with me.
I realized that once again, I've almost accepted another imposter. An illusion of closeness, but ..under closer inspection, it was one-sided. The appearance of love, but isn't because it only involves the outer trappings, without any of the meat of the real thing. There is time spent together, sharing, and even discussing the future in such ways that don't match up with the emotional depth, or lack thereof.
Sex without the depth of time, committment and love, is just sex. Animals do that. Anyone can, frankly. You can dress it up however you like it, but knowing there is not a hope for a future, and yet acting as if there is a relationship, calling it love or even 'falling in love...is delusional. And it isn't fair for anyone involved. It is a taking from each other, things that haven't been earned and aren't deserved. It's having the perks, without the committment. I realized, I don't want that.
This is a common view of love today. The supposed freedom to live single and sexually uninhibited. Have as many lovers as you like, it'll make you more able to commit later. I don't believe that and I don't really see that as freedom. Giving myself away to people just because it feels good, cheapens a part of me that I value very much. And I don't want to share that part of myself with just anybody. I love sex as much as the next person, but I'd rather do without than waste my time with something shallow and pale. Something without depth. I'd rather hold out for more. Demand more.
I almost forgot my value. I urge you to not forget yours
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Anyone Seen Any Personal Responsibility Lately? Cause I Can't Find Any...
"Marriage sucks!" "That girl/guy really didn't get me." "Our sex life was really unsatisfying, so I was practically pushed into that other girl/guy's arms..""God doesn't care and isn't real anyway."
WhatEVER.
The last few days, I've been bombarded by a few things and hence this blog. One, I realize that age knows no bounds regarding childlike behaviour, and sometimes this really gets under my skin a bit. Also, the sheer number of married men who think nothing of trying to start a "friendship" with a single woman online. And then, I read a lot of different blogs. After a while, themes become evident. This speaks to some of those things.
First of all, I'm not angry or bitter, and I haven't just recently been jilted. I may sound all of the above, but I'm really not. What I AM, however, is confused. I just don't get it. Life really isn't rocket science. It's just not. There are good times, bad times, mistakes we make and many many chances to try again to get it right. There are words like loyalty and humility and there is concern for someone other than yourself. These sometimes seem lacking. I'm NOT saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying that I've never not returned a few emails in a timely fashion, called right back each and every time or instantly responded to a text. I've no beef with "man" or "the man" or even any other woman.
I do try to not sweat the small stuff. Not even saying I always succeed, but I try. I don't wig out if someone doesn't get right back with me, if they're a little late or whatever. It's called GRACE. It's yours from me, until you've proven you don't deserve it. It's called LIFE; and you know, sometimes it happens.
HERE are the things I don't get. Why does marriage get reduced to "a piece of paper" you don't really need, because YOU had a bad one? Why is it that marriage as an "institution" is bad overall, because you come from a broken home or because yours was so awful it left a bad taste in your mouth? I'm divorced. It was ugly. Dating again or the thought of it, made me nauseous at first. Marriage again, is something that right now isn't something I'm gunning for, but I'm not opposed to it again sometime in the future. I understand that it has painful memories attached to it. I understand it might have been full or horrors beyond even what I will have ever experienced. But why can't that be about what happened to the two of YOU? Why is marriage itself at fault? Why can't it be about your own personal inability to overcome whatever it was. Can you not accept blame at all? Can you not understand that as humans, we are flawed. Mistakes happen. I may have chosen the coconut macadamia nut cookie..and it might not have been all it was cracked up to be...but does that make all cookies horrible and I never want another one again?? Please don't send me mail on how marriage is not at all like a cookie. Good grief. Not good at great analogies here, but you GET the point. It AIN'T about the cookie. If you cannot see your own fault in the failure of your marriage, you will not learn and you will take what was wrong with the first one INTO the second one..or at the very least into the next relationship you have. See and learn. Don't blame the institution.
Then, there is the "that guy/girl just didnt' get me". Oh goodness. Try talking. Try being honest to a fault. Not mean. Not brutal per se, but be yourself. Not the self you show in the beginning..the chameleon that reads people quickly so that you can be whatever they want you to be in the beginning...to get to date two, three etc. Be YOURSELF from day one. You might discover earlier whether the two of you are a good match or not. And if you're not, that's NOT failure. If they didn't like you "that way" it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means, it wasnt' the right one. That's okay. BELIEVE me, it's easier to find that out in the first two weeks to two months of a relationship, than to discover it after you've been dating a year or two, or god forbid, got married and had a couple of kids together. When you're open about who you are, and even if something doesn't work out, it is known as successful dating. It ofen leads to successful marriage..
Now, as a side note, if you see a pattern in WHY you're not connecting with people over and over again...okay, THEN you need to look a little deeper and maybe work a bit on yourself. But either way. Learn from it. It's okay. Learn.
"Our sex life was SO unsatisfying I was practically pushed into that other person's arms". Good grief. Again, did you TALK? Did you experiment? Were you open about your needs and open about trying to meet theirs? Do you EVEN KNOW what their's were? Did you try counseling? Were you OPEN in counseling. Honest. You've gotta be, or they can't help you. Have a bad experience with a counselor? Try another one. Sometimes it takes looking at more than one to find a good fit. Counselors, that is. Did you do everything you could to work on the two of you...relationship wise? Or did you just give up and say "I don't want this anymore" or "This other person understands me so much better"...Lying to yourself. Lazy. You weren't pushed into anything. You went. You chose.
Coming again from one who knows, affairs are never the right choice or the best choice. "But my affair made my marriage better". Yeah, that's what I want in my husband. Go get intimate with some other woman, and then come back to me..bring all the people that she's slept with, with her...and let them all just come and join the party in our marital bed. I'm Better now. How does lying, distrust, selfishness, conceit (it is conceit when you think that you know better) and a total disregard for marital vows make something BETTER? I don't get it. Affairs are selfish vacations. They are not real life. You think your life with your lover is going to be so much better, wait till you try it..try real life together. Yeah. All that passion will take you through the first few months maybe. Maybe even a year or two. But they've already proven they don't have staying power. Yeah. But I'm sure with YOU it'll be different. Yeah. Go look up insanity. You've just lived the definition. I don't get it.
Then, there are all these God haters. All these folks who hate God because of bad things that have either happened to them, in the world, or to someone they know. Well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your beliefs. I am not necessarily talking about that here. I am talking about the "logic" that because bad things happen, that equals NO God. Or Angry Mean, Doesn't Care About Us, God.
I understant dissillusionment. I've been there. I AM there some days. I went through a horrible time with a church and group of people I loved and trusted with all my heart. It fell apart. People turned on each other. Friends ceased being friends and enemies weren't that easy to spot anymore because they used to look like friends. It's not a new or unique story. "That's why I don't believe in organized religion". Yeah. That's just your excuse not to join. Not to have to change or to have convictions. That's because you want to do what you want to do without accountability. I get that. I've been THERE too. Churches aren't bad just because it doesn't line up with where you want to be in life or how you want to live.
Churches are made of people. The church IS the people. There WILL be sin. There WILL be mistakes. It doesn' mean that GOD is any less because of our own humanity; our own mistakes. God didn't make that person beat you, abuse you, or massacer all those people in Africa, Germany...wherever. They were bad people. They exist because we have free will. It was their CHOICE to be that way. It doesn't make God any less because they existed.
We need churches..groups of people, like minded. If we understand and see the research on weight loss for instance, we see that people do better if they are part of a group vs going it alone. Hmmm. So, why isn't that true in our walk with God? In our faith walk? You are far more likely to be successful if you have a support group/structure, than if you don't. Look at something as simple as AA. So "I just practice it my own way, or do my own thing"...won't really work. Even research shows that aside from any biblical teaching. That's just science. How many times has your "resolution" to change or be a better person, make better choices, not come about? Try letting others in there to help you, and you'll prob be able to MAKE those changes.
So there you have it. My latest "I don't get it" rant. Life doesn't have to be filled with drama or even hard. Tough things happen and that means that there is a lot of work to be done. But what will your attitude be? Life isn't easy, but our choices that we make along the way can be a lot easier if you just think a little, look at yourself with greater clarity, and consider others before yourself. That's all I'm saying. Take some personal responsibility. Please.
WhatEVER.
The last few days, I've been bombarded by a few things and hence this blog. One, I realize that age knows no bounds regarding childlike behaviour, and sometimes this really gets under my skin a bit. Also, the sheer number of married men who think nothing of trying to start a "friendship" with a single woman online. And then, I read a lot of different blogs. After a while, themes become evident. This speaks to some of those things.
First of all, I'm not angry or bitter, and I haven't just recently been jilted. I may sound all of the above, but I'm really not. What I AM, however, is confused. I just don't get it. Life really isn't rocket science. It's just not. There are good times, bad times, mistakes we make and many many chances to try again to get it right. There are words like loyalty and humility and there is concern for someone other than yourself. These sometimes seem lacking. I'm NOT saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying that I've never not returned a few emails in a timely fashion, called right back each and every time or instantly responded to a text. I've no beef with "man" or "the man" or even any other woman.
I do try to not sweat the small stuff. Not even saying I always succeed, but I try. I don't wig out if someone doesn't get right back with me, if they're a little late or whatever. It's called GRACE. It's yours from me, until you've proven you don't deserve it. It's called LIFE; and you know, sometimes it happens.
HERE are the things I don't get. Why does marriage get reduced to "a piece of paper" you don't really need, because YOU had a bad one? Why is it that marriage as an "institution" is bad overall, because you come from a broken home or because yours was so awful it left a bad taste in your mouth? I'm divorced. It was ugly. Dating again or the thought of it, made me nauseous at first. Marriage again, is something that right now isn't something I'm gunning for, but I'm not opposed to it again sometime in the future. I understand that it has painful memories attached to it. I understand it might have been full or horrors beyond even what I will have ever experienced. But why can't that be about what happened to the two of YOU? Why is marriage itself at fault? Why can't it be about your own personal inability to overcome whatever it was. Can you not accept blame at all? Can you not understand that as humans, we are flawed. Mistakes happen. I may have chosen the coconut macadamia nut cookie..and it might not have been all it was cracked up to be...but does that make all cookies horrible and I never want another one again?? Please don't send me mail on how marriage is not at all like a cookie. Good grief. Not good at great analogies here, but you GET the point. It AIN'T about the cookie. If you cannot see your own fault in the failure of your marriage, you will not learn and you will take what was wrong with the first one INTO the second one..or at the very least into the next relationship you have. See and learn. Don't blame the institution.
Then, there is the "that guy/girl just didnt' get me". Oh goodness. Try talking. Try being honest to a fault. Not mean. Not brutal per se, but be yourself. Not the self you show in the beginning..the chameleon that reads people quickly so that you can be whatever they want you to be in the beginning...to get to date two, three etc. Be YOURSELF from day one. You might discover earlier whether the two of you are a good match or not. And if you're not, that's NOT failure. If they didn't like you "that way" it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means, it wasnt' the right one. That's okay. BELIEVE me, it's easier to find that out in the first two weeks to two months of a relationship, than to discover it after you've been dating a year or two, or god forbid, got married and had a couple of kids together. When you're open about who you are, and even if something doesn't work out, it is known as successful dating. It ofen leads to successful marriage..
Now, as a side note, if you see a pattern in WHY you're not connecting with people over and over again...okay, THEN you need to look a little deeper and maybe work a bit on yourself. But either way. Learn from it. It's okay. Learn.
"Our sex life was SO unsatisfying I was practically pushed into that other person's arms". Good grief. Again, did you TALK? Did you experiment? Were you open about your needs and open about trying to meet theirs? Do you EVEN KNOW what their's were? Did you try counseling? Were you OPEN in counseling. Honest. You've gotta be, or they can't help you. Have a bad experience with a counselor? Try another one. Sometimes it takes looking at more than one to find a good fit. Counselors, that is. Did you do everything you could to work on the two of you...relationship wise? Or did you just give up and say "I don't want this anymore" or "This other person understands me so much better"...Lying to yourself. Lazy. You weren't pushed into anything. You went. You chose.
Coming again from one who knows, affairs are never the right choice or the best choice. "But my affair made my marriage better". Yeah, that's what I want in my husband. Go get intimate with some other woman, and then come back to me..bring all the people that she's slept with, with her...and let them all just come and join the party in our marital bed. I'm Better now. How does lying, distrust, selfishness, conceit (it is conceit when you think that you know better) and a total disregard for marital vows make something BETTER? I don't get it. Affairs are selfish vacations. They are not real life. You think your life with your lover is going to be so much better, wait till you try it..try real life together. Yeah. All that passion will take you through the first few months maybe. Maybe even a year or two. But they've already proven they don't have staying power. Yeah. But I'm sure with YOU it'll be different. Yeah. Go look up insanity. You've just lived the definition. I don't get it.
Then, there are all these God haters. All these folks who hate God because of bad things that have either happened to them, in the world, or to someone they know. Well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your beliefs. I am not necessarily talking about that here. I am talking about the "logic" that because bad things happen, that equals NO God. Or Angry Mean, Doesn't Care About Us, God.
I understant dissillusionment. I've been there. I AM there some days. I went through a horrible time with a church and group of people I loved and trusted with all my heart. It fell apart. People turned on each other. Friends ceased being friends and enemies weren't that easy to spot anymore because they used to look like friends. It's not a new or unique story. "That's why I don't believe in organized religion". Yeah. That's just your excuse not to join. Not to have to change or to have convictions. That's because you want to do what you want to do without accountability. I get that. I've been THERE too. Churches aren't bad just because it doesn't line up with where you want to be in life or how you want to live.
Churches are made of people. The church IS the people. There WILL be sin. There WILL be mistakes. It doesn' mean that GOD is any less because of our own humanity; our own mistakes. God didn't make that person beat you, abuse you, or massacer all those people in Africa, Germany...wherever. They were bad people. They exist because we have free will. It was their CHOICE to be that way. It doesn't make God any less because they existed.
We need churches..groups of people, like minded. If we understand and see the research on weight loss for instance, we see that people do better if they are part of a group vs going it alone. Hmmm. So, why isn't that true in our walk with God? In our faith walk? You are far more likely to be successful if you have a support group/structure, than if you don't. Look at something as simple as AA. So "I just practice it my own way, or do my own thing"...won't really work. Even research shows that aside from any biblical teaching. That's just science. How many times has your "resolution" to change or be a better person, make better choices, not come about? Try letting others in there to help you, and you'll prob be able to MAKE those changes.
So there you have it. My latest "I don't get it" rant. Life doesn't have to be filled with drama or even hard. Tough things happen and that means that there is a lot of work to be done. But what will your attitude be? Life isn't easy, but our choices that we make along the way can be a lot easier if you just think a little, look at yourself with greater clarity, and consider others before yourself. That's all I'm saying. Take some personal responsibility. Please.
Starting Over (Fiction)
He sat at the table in the loud, active restaurant and waited. No one looked his way, no one noticed. He'd gotten good at being invisible when he wanted to be, and tonight he wanted to be. He didn't want their company; their questions. Not even their thank you's, right now. That seemed to be the new thing to do. "Thank you for what you've done for our country". He appreciated it, but on another level, he was never going to ever feel the same or see life in the same way. They could say their thank you's and go back to their existence the same. That statement struck him as a way for the person who said it, to feel better about the war. Better about themselves. They did their good thing. He knew that that was a skewed way to see a thank you, but his stomach never dealt well with it. He just smiled a small, quick grin and nodded when he heard that. At least he had that much self control at this point.
He tried to think amid all the noises and pictures that constantly played through his mind now. Sometimes they were quieter than others, sometimes he could just about escape them altogether, but that took a huge amount of alcohol. Huge. And he didn't want to be drunk when he saw her again. Not her. She was his one last hope amid a year that held little hope.
He'd been gone for over a year now. He'd left a strong, healthy and happy man in his mid twenties. He'd played practical jokes on his buds, drove fast and loved this woman enough to marry her LONG before he was asked to serve. They'd cried together knowing that just his desire to serve...would cost a great deal in these times. But he wanted to honor those who'd gone before. 911 had stirred something deep in his heart that wouldn't allow him to not act in some way. And frankly, college wasn't going to happen otherwise. His family needed all their resources just to survive day to day, much less put their children through college too. He knew that. College did seem a little frivolous now. After all he'd seen.
He was only 26, but felt 50. His body had been through more in a year, than some would in their lifetimes. Getting up in the morning hurt. There were headaches on top of the noises in his head. The shrapnel in places...the loss of hearing from narrowly missing being blown to bits by mines or bombs. He hated that the lighthearted love of life he'd had before was so very different now. He'd gotten together with his friends a couple of times; but it hadn't been the same. They saw him differently and it highlighted how different he felt. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't see and he could forget. But it was awkward. And no one knew what to say.
Now her. In the beginning, he'd tried to keep in better touch. But it made his heart ache so much to hear her voice, her fear for him, over the phone. Her letters seemed of a life more and more alien. She'd be talking about life and shopping, working and friends. He didn't know what to say to that. He'd tried to share a little of his life there..but it was more than she could handle. More than he could honestly lay on her. And now they were seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Maybe it'd been too long.
Just as the sound of gunfire, screams of men dying and civillians wailing over their lost clouded his mind again...he saw her. Through the fog of his mind, he saw her radiantly walking towards him. It took his breath away, but also made his heart shrink in his chest. Fear, doubt and hopelessness threatened to overtake him. Oh my God, she was beautiful.
As his vision cleared he saw none of the things he was afraid would be there. He saw the fear. He saw the concern. He saw her strength and...was that something else? She walked over, sat down and smiled. She touched his hand. No pity. Admiration. Overflowing love. And the desire to bridge that chiasm between them. She wanted him still. His angel understood and wanted him still.
He tried to think amid all the noises and pictures that constantly played through his mind now. Sometimes they were quieter than others, sometimes he could just about escape them altogether, but that took a huge amount of alcohol. Huge. And he didn't want to be drunk when he saw her again. Not her. She was his one last hope amid a year that held little hope.
He'd been gone for over a year now. He'd left a strong, healthy and happy man in his mid twenties. He'd played practical jokes on his buds, drove fast and loved this woman enough to marry her LONG before he was asked to serve. They'd cried together knowing that just his desire to serve...would cost a great deal in these times. But he wanted to honor those who'd gone before. 911 had stirred something deep in his heart that wouldn't allow him to not act in some way. And frankly, college wasn't going to happen otherwise. His family needed all their resources just to survive day to day, much less put their children through college too. He knew that. College did seem a little frivolous now. After all he'd seen.
He was only 26, but felt 50. His body had been through more in a year, than some would in their lifetimes. Getting up in the morning hurt. There were headaches on top of the noises in his head. The shrapnel in places...the loss of hearing from narrowly missing being blown to bits by mines or bombs. He hated that the lighthearted love of life he'd had before was so very different now. He'd gotten together with his friends a couple of times; but it hadn't been the same. They saw him differently and it highlighted how different he felt. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't see and he could forget. But it was awkward. And no one knew what to say.
Now her. In the beginning, he'd tried to keep in better touch. But it made his heart ache so much to hear her voice, her fear for him, over the phone. Her letters seemed of a life more and more alien. She'd be talking about life and shopping, working and friends. He didn't know what to say to that. He'd tried to share a little of his life there..but it was more than she could handle. More than he could honestly lay on her. And now they were seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Maybe it'd been too long.
Just as the sound of gunfire, screams of men dying and civillians wailing over their lost clouded his mind again...he saw her. Through the fog of his mind, he saw her radiantly walking towards him. It took his breath away, but also made his heart shrink in his chest. Fear, doubt and hopelessness threatened to overtake him. Oh my God, she was beautiful.
As his vision cleared he saw none of the things he was afraid would be there. He saw the fear. He saw the concern. He saw her strength and...was that something else? She walked over, sat down and smiled. She touched his hand. No pity. Admiration. Overflowing love. And the desire to bridge that chiasm between them. She wanted him still. His angel understood and wanted him still.
Feeling a Little Raw Lately
We've all been driving home late at night and heard that perfect song that fits exactly what we are thinking or feeling at that moment. I had one of those moments today.
Tonight my son and I were watching a video before bed "Surf's Up". It's GOT to have the BEST sound track ever!! Anyway, this song was on it...and I got to hear his angelically pure voice, blend with mine as we sang it. I'd never paid attention to the words before. Once I did..wow. It says it ALL. This is me right now.
Dating, meeting new people, being hopeful, trying to survive these times financially, healing from divorce and finding out how to muck through, dealing with my son's plunging grades in the second grade, work, finding a new church to be a part of and give myself to... all these things.
How does this song hit you? Have you been here before? Are you there now? Well, just say "Yes"...and keep mucking about.
I will if you will. Will you hold my hand and jump off with me??
Here's the video and song...words and all. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_Yd3NwpP7M&eurl=http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=165823253&MyToken=1fdaa2b5-8251-4fe3-9e78-d2470&feature=player_embedded
Tonight my son and I were watching a video before bed "Surf's Up". It's GOT to have the BEST sound track ever!! Anyway, this song was on it...and I got to hear his angelically pure voice, blend with mine as we sang it. I'd never paid attention to the words before. Once I did..wow. It says it ALL. This is me right now.
Dating, meeting new people, being hopeful, trying to survive these times financially, healing from divorce and finding out how to muck through, dealing with my son's plunging grades in the second grade, work, finding a new church to be a part of and give myself to... all these things.
How does this song hit you? Have you been here before? Are you there now? Well, just say "Yes"...and keep mucking about.
I will if you will. Will you hold my hand and jump off with me??
Here's the video and song...words and all. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_Yd3NwpP7M&eurl=http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=165823253&MyToken=1fdaa2b5-8251-4fe3-9e78-d2470&feature=player_embedded
Thanksgiving Memories
My favorite Thanksgiving memory was visiting the home of some friends in East Texas which is filled with pine trees. The air was European in that it was cold and drizzly ( I love that, by the way) and the smell of pine and horses was everywhere. I explored the woods and found old blue and brown bottles from an era long before. The glass sparkled like jewels and I did feel like treasure had been found. We jumped for HOURS on a massive trampoline..shooting for the tops of the trees with every jump. Laughing, feeding horses, telling stories, eating..and breakfast in the morning included venison in some way..which I also love. Makes me harken back to a time long ago filled with kings, fine ladies and courtly love. Romantic. Funny, right?Those were the best times. Full of fall colors, laughter, singing, horses, the smell of leaves burning, fires in the fire place (especially fragrant with pecan wood), and the cold, drizzly outdoor freshness. Great memories. Fantastic.
So, I want to hear from you. I want to feel as if I'm spending a special thanksgiving in the banks of your memories. Make it come alive for me now...I really want to walk with you. Bad or good. Special or painful. Believe me, most holidays with our family had an argument or two and someone was almost ALWAYS sick!! But there were those really good times too..so take me with you...
So, I want to hear from you. I want to feel as if I'm spending a special thanksgiving in the banks of your memories. Make it come alive for me now...I really want to walk with you. Bad or good. Special or painful. Believe me, most holidays with our family had an argument or two and someone was almost ALWAYS sick!! But there were those really good times too..so take me with you...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)