"Marriage sucks!" "That girl/guy really didn't get me." "Our sex life was really unsatisfying, so I was practically pushed into that other girl/guy's arms..""God doesn't care and isn't real anyway."
WhatEVER.
The last few days, I've been bombarded by a few things and hence this blog. One, I realize that age knows no bounds regarding childlike behaviour, and sometimes this really gets under my skin a bit. Also, the sheer number of married men who think nothing of trying to start a "friendship" with a single woman online. And then, I read a lot of different blogs. After a while, themes become evident. This speaks to some of those things.
First of all, I'm not angry or bitter, and I haven't just recently been jilted. I may sound all of the above, but I'm really not. What I AM, however, is confused. I just don't get it. Life really isn't rocket science. It's just not. There are good times, bad times, mistakes we make and many many chances to try again to get it right. There are words like loyalty and humility and there is concern for someone other than yourself. These sometimes seem lacking. I'm NOT saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying that I've never not returned a few emails in a timely fashion, called right back each and every time or instantly responded to a text. I've no beef with "man" or "the man" or even any other woman.
I do try to not sweat the small stuff. Not even saying I always succeed, but I try. I don't wig out if someone doesn't get right back with me, if they're a little late or whatever. It's called GRACE. It's yours from me, until you've proven you don't deserve it. It's called LIFE; and you know, sometimes it happens.
HERE are the things I don't get. Why does marriage get reduced to "a piece of paper" you don't really need, because YOU had a bad one? Why is it that marriage as an "institution" is bad overall, because you come from a broken home or because yours was so awful it left a bad taste in your mouth? I'm divorced. It was ugly. Dating again or the thought of it, made me nauseous at first. Marriage again, is something that right now isn't something I'm gunning for, but I'm not opposed to it again sometime in the future. I understand that it has painful memories attached to it. I understand it might have been full or horrors beyond even what I will have ever experienced. But why can't that be about what happened to the two of YOU? Why is marriage itself at fault? Why can't it be about your own personal inability to overcome whatever it was. Can you not accept blame at all? Can you not understand that as humans, we are flawed. Mistakes happen. I may have chosen the coconut macadamia nut cookie..and it might not have been all it was cracked up to be...but does that make all cookies horrible and I never want another one again?? Please don't send me mail on how marriage is not at all like a cookie. Good grief. Not good at great analogies here, but you GET the point. It AIN'T about the cookie. If you cannot see your own fault in the failure of your marriage, you will not learn and you will take what was wrong with the first one INTO the second one..or at the very least into the next relationship you have. See and learn. Don't blame the institution.
Then, there is the "that guy/girl just didnt' get me". Oh goodness. Try talking. Try being honest to a fault. Not mean. Not brutal per se, but be yourself. Not the self you show in the beginning..the chameleon that reads people quickly so that you can be whatever they want you to be in the beginning...to get to date two, three etc. Be YOURSELF from day one. You might discover earlier whether the two of you are a good match or not. And if you're not, that's NOT failure. If they didn't like you "that way" it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means, it wasnt' the right one. That's okay. BELIEVE me, it's easier to find that out in the first two weeks to two months of a relationship, than to discover it after you've been dating a year or two, or god forbid, got married and had a couple of kids together. When you're open about who you are, and even if something doesn't work out, it is known as successful dating. It ofen leads to successful marriage..
Now, as a side note, if you see a pattern in WHY you're not connecting with people over and over again...okay, THEN you need to look a little deeper and maybe work a bit on yourself. But either way. Learn from it. It's okay. Learn.
"Our sex life was SO unsatisfying I was practically pushed into that other person's arms". Good grief. Again, did you TALK? Did you experiment? Were you open about your needs and open about trying to meet theirs? Do you EVEN KNOW what their's were? Did you try counseling? Were you OPEN in counseling. Honest. You've gotta be, or they can't help you. Have a bad experience with a counselor? Try another one. Sometimes it takes looking at more than one to find a good fit. Counselors, that is. Did you do everything you could to work on the two of you...relationship wise? Or did you just give up and say "I don't want this anymore" or "This other person understands me so much better"...Lying to yourself. Lazy. You weren't pushed into anything. You went. You chose.
Coming again from one who knows, affairs are never the right choice or the best choice. "But my affair made my marriage better". Yeah, that's what I want in my husband. Go get intimate with some other woman, and then come back to me..bring all the people that she's slept with, with her...and let them all just come and join the party in our marital bed. I'm Better now. How does lying, distrust, selfishness, conceit (it is conceit when you think that you know better) and a total disregard for marital vows make something BETTER? I don't get it. Affairs are selfish vacations. They are not real life. You think your life with your lover is going to be so much better, wait till you try it..try real life together. Yeah. All that passion will take you through the first few months maybe. Maybe even a year or two. But they've already proven they don't have staying power. Yeah. But I'm sure with YOU it'll be different. Yeah. Go look up insanity. You've just lived the definition. I don't get it.
Then, there are all these God haters. All these folks who hate God because of bad things that have either happened to them, in the world, or to someone they know. Well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your beliefs. I am not necessarily talking about that here. I am talking about the "logic" that because bad things happen, that equals NO God. Or Angry Mean, Doesn't Care About Us, God.
I understant dissillusionment. I've been there. I AM there some days. I went through a horrible time with a church and group of people I loved and trusted with all my heart. It fell apart. People turned on each other. Friends ceased being friends and enemies weren't that easy to spot anymore because they used to look like friends. It's not a new or unique story. "That's why I don't believe in organized religion". Yeah. That's just your excuse not to join. Not to have to change or to have convictions. That's because you want to do what you want to do without accountability. I get that. I've been THERE too. Churches aren't bad just because it doesn't line up with where you want to be in life or how you want to live.
Churches are made of people. The church IS the people. There WILL be sin. There WILL be mistakes. It doesn' mean that GOD is any less because of our own humanity; our own mistakes. God didn't make that person beat you, abuse you, or massacer all those people in Africa, Germany...wherever. They were bad people. They exist because we have free will. It was their CHOICE to be that way. It doesn't make God any less because they existed.
We need churches..groups of people, like minded. If we understand and see the research on weight loss for instance, we see that people do better if they are part of a group vs going it alone. Hmmm. So, why isn't that true in our walk with God? In our faith walk? You are far more likely to be successful if you have a support group/structure, than if you don't. Look at something as simple as AA. So "I just practice it my own way, or do my own thing"...won't really work. Even research shows that aside from any biblical teaching. That's just science. How many times has your "resolution" to change or be a better person, make better choices, not come about? Try letting others in there to help you, and you'll prob be able to MAKE those changes.
So there you have it. My latest "I don't get it" rant. Life doesn't have to be filled with drama or even hard. Tough things happen and that means that there is a lot of work to be done. But what will your attitude be? Life isn't easy, but our choices that we make along the way can be a lot easier if you just think a little, look at yourself with greater clarity, and consider others before yourself. That's all I'm saying. Take some personal responsibility. Please.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Starting Over (Fiction)
He sat at the table in the loud, active restaurant and waited. No one looked his way, no one noticed. He'd gotten good at being invisible when he wanted to be, and tonight he wanted to be. He didn't want their company; their questions. Not even their thank you's, right now. That seemed to be the new thing to do. "Thank you for what you've done for our country". He appreciated it, but on another level, he was never going to ever feel the same or see life in the same way. They could say their thank you's and go back to their existence the same. That statement struck him as a way for the person who said it, to feel better about the war. Better about themselves. They did their good thing. He knew that that was a skewed way to see a thank you, but his stomach never dealt well with it. He just smiled a small, quick grin and nodded when he heard that. At least he had that much self control at this point.
He tried to think amid all the noises and pictures that constantly played through his mind now. Sometimes they were quieter than others, sometimes he could just about escape them altogether, but that took a huge amount of alcohol. Huge. And he didn't want to be drunk when he saw her again. Not her. She was his one last hope amid a year that held little hope.
He'd been gone for over a year now. He'd left a strong, healthy and happy man in his mid twenties. He'd played practical jokes on his buds, drove fast and loved this woman enough to marry her LONG before he was asked to serve. They'd cried together knowing that just his desire to serve...would cost a great deal in these times. But he wanted to honor those who'd gone before. 911 had stirred something deep in his heart that wouldn't allow him to not act in some way. And frankly, college wasn't going to happen otherwise. His family needed all their resources just to survive day to day, much less put their children through college too. He knew that. College did seem a little frivolous now. After all he'd seen.
He was only 26, but felt 50. His body had been through more in a year, than some would in their lifetimes. Getting up in the morning hurt. There were headaches on top of the noises in his head. The shrapnel in places...the loss of hearing from narrowly missing being blown to bits by mines or bombs. He hated that the lighthearted love of life he'd had before was so very different now. He'd gotten together with his friends a couple of times; but it hadn't been the same. They saw him differently and it highlighted how different he felt. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't see and he could forget. But it was awkward. And no one knew what to say.
Now her. In the beginning, he'd tried to keep in better touch. But it made his heart ache so much to hear her voice, her fear for him, over the phone. Her letters seemed of a life more and more alien. She'd be talking about life and shopping, working and friends. He didn't know what to say to that. He'd tried to share a little of his life there..but it was more than she could handle. More than he could honestly lay on her. And now they were seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Maybe it'd been too long.
Just as the sound of gunfire, screams of men dying and civillians wailing over their lost clouded his mind again...he saw her. Through the fog of his mind, he saw her radiantly walking towards him. It took his breath away, but also made his heart shrink in his chest. Fear, doubt and hopelessness threatened to overtake him. Oh my God, she was beautiful.
As his vision cleared he saw none of the things he was afraid would be there. He saw the fear. He saw the concern. He saw her strength and...was that something else? She walked over, sat down and smiled. She touched his hand. No pity. Admiration. Overflowing love. And the desire to bridge that chiasm between them. She wanted him still. His angel understood and wanted him still.
He tried to think amid all the noises and pictures that constantly played through his mind now. Sometimes they were quieter than others, sometimes he could just about escape them altogether, but that took a huge amount of alcohol. Huge. And he didn't want to be drunk when he saw her again. Not her. She was his one last hope amid a year that held little hope.
He'd been gone for over a year now. He'd left a strong, healthy and happy man in his mid twenties. He'd played practical jokes on his buds, drove fast and loved this woman enough to marry her LONG before he was asked to serve. They'd cried together knowing that just his desire to serve...would cost a great deal in these times. But he wanted to honor those who'd gone before. 911 had stirred something deep in his heart that wouldn't allow him to not act in some way. And frankly, college wasn't going to happen otherwise. His family needed all their resources just to survive day to day, much less put their children through college too. He knew that. College did seem a little frivolous now. After all he'd seen.
He was only 26, but felt 50. His body had been through more in a year, than some would in their lifetimes. Getting up in the morning hurt. There were headaches on top of the noises in his head. The shrapnel in places...the loss of hearing from narrowly missing being blown to bits by mines or bombs. He hated that the lighthearted love of life he'd had before was so very different now. He'd gotten together with his friends a couple of times; but it hadn't been the same. They saw him differently and it highlighted how different he felt. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't see and he could forget. But it was awkward. And no one knew what to say.
Now her. In the beginning, he'd tried to keep in better touch. But it made his heart ache so much to hear her voice, her fear for him, over the phone. Her letters seemed of a life more and more alien. She'd be talking about life and shopping, working and friends. He didn't know what to say to that. He'd tried to share a little of his life there..but it was more than she could handle. More than he could honestly lay on her. And now they were seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Maybe it'd been too long.
Just as the sound of gunfire, screams of men dying and civillians wailing over their lost clouded his mind again...he saw her. Through the fog of his mind, he saw her radiantly walking towards him. It took his breath away, but also made his heart shrink in his chest. Fear, doubt and hopelessness threatened to overtake him. Oh my God, she was beautiful.
As his vision cleared he saw none of the things he was afraid would be there. He saw the fear. He saw the concern. He saw her strength and...was that something else? She walked over, sat down and smiled. She touched his hand. No pity. Admiration. Overflowing love. And the desire to bridge that chiasm between them. She wanted him still. His angel understood and wanted him still.
Feeling a Little Raw Lately
We've all been driving home late at night and heard that perfect song that fits exactly what we are thinking or feeling at that moment. I had one of those moments today.
Tonight my son and I were watching a video before bed "Surf's Up". It's GOT to have the BEST sound track ever!! Anyway, this song was on it...and I got to hear his angelically pure voice, blend with mine as we sang it. I'd never paid attention to the words before. Once I did..wow. It says it ALL. This is me right now.
Dating, meeting new people, being hopeful, trying to survive these times financially, healing from divorce and finding out how to muck through, dealing with my son's plunging grades in the second grade, work, finding a new church to be a part of and give myself to... all these things.
How does this song hit you? Have you been here before? Are you there now? Well, just say "Yes"...and keep mucking about.
I will if you will. Will you hold my hand and jump off with me??
Here's the video and song...words and all. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_Yd3NwpP7M&eurl=http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=165823253&MyToken=1fdaa2b5-8251-4fe3-9e78-d2470&feature=player_embedded
Tonight my son and I were watching a video before bed "Surf's Up". It's GOT to have the BEST sound track ever!! Anyway, this song was on it...and I got to hear his angelically pure voice, blend with mine as we sang it. I'd never paid attention to the words before. Once I did..wow. It says it ALL. This is me right now.
Dating, meeting new people, being hopeful, trying to survive these times financially, healing from divorce and finding out how to muck through, dealing with my son's plunging grades in the second grade, work, finding a new church to be a part of and give myself to... all these things.
How does this song hit you? Have you been here before? Are you there now? Well, just say "Yes"...and keep mucking about.
I will if you will. Will you hold my hand and jump off with me??
Here's the video and song...words and all. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_Yd3NwpP7M&eurl=http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=165823253&MyToken=1fdaa2b5-8251-4fe3-9e78-d2470&feature=player_embedded
Thanksgiving Memories
My favorite Thanksgiving memory was visiting the home of some friends in East Texas which is filled with pine trees. The air was European in that it was cold and drizzly ( I love that, by the way) and the smell of pine and horses was everywhere. I explored the woods and found old blue and brown bottles from an era long before. The glass sparkled like jewels and I did feel like treasure had been found. We jumped for HOURS on a massive trampoline..shooting for the tops of the trees with every jump. Laughing, feeding horses, telling stories, eating..and breakfast in the morning included venison in some way..which I also love. Makes me harken back to a time long ago filled with kings, fine ladies and courtly love. Romantic. Funny, right?Those were the best times. Full of fall colors, laughter, singing, horses, the smell of leaves burning, fires in the fire place (especially fragrant with pecan wood), and the cold, drizzly outdoor freshness. Great memories. Fantastic.
So, I want to hear from you. I want to feel as if I'm spending a special thanksgiving in the banks of your memories. Make it come alive for me now...I really want to walk with you. Bad or good. Special or painful. Believe me, most holidays with our family had an argument or two and someone was almost ALWAYS sick!! But there were those really good times too..so take me with you...
So, I want to hear from you. I want to feel as if I'm spending a special thanksgiving in the banks of your memories. Make it come alive for me now...I really want to walk with you. Bad or good. Special or painful. Believe me, most holidays with our family had an argument or two and someone was almost ALWAYS sick!! But there were those really good times too..so take me with you...
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